Well i posted this on my xanga but might as well paste it here for yall to read haha.
Welp since I haven’t updated in a really really long time, I guess today would be as good a day as any to rekindle what once was xanga. I’ve really learned a lot about life in my days in college and it as also reinforced many of my ideas of how the world works. College has been and still is a place where I go to memorize very trivial facts that I forget after 2-3 days. I sometimes wonder what’s the point of all this if studying and memorizing really just ends up lost in the cobwebs of our brains. Sometimes I memorize something and apply it multiple times yet at some point my brain will suddenly sputter out and I totally forget what it was that I had been doing. I really believe I at some point had consumed some prions or what not that are slowly destroying my memory cells. Anyways that aside, I really begin to understand that motivation and choosing a path to walk down is the best way to get through these very important times of life. It took me a bit too long to finally decide to choose my path, and even today I’m having trouble mustering up the motivation to actually follow and complete my chosen path. I’ve figured that all my planning for the future really has no effect if I don’t do my work in the here and now. The years that have passed from when I was in high school and today seemed at first like yesterday, but recently it has begun to seem like it was decades ago, or that my high school life prior to college did not exist at all but was just a dream or movie of someone else’s life. But even still I have kept many of the philosophies that I held dear back in high school. I really wonder how people can just accept a life that society sets out for them and conform themselves to living and reinacting the same day for 30 years. Even though I am much less sure that there are things out there that one can do to create a different life than I was in high school, I have become more stubborned in the idea that there has to be something other than finding happiness in what everyone else finds happiness in. And yet, though I feel so strongly about my philosophies and ideas, I find myself lying to others in embarrassment especially on the topic of relationships. Sometimes I am forced into an uncomfortable position in which I eventually lie about ever having been in a relationship and that I am right out there in the front lines just like every other college boy trying to get into any hot girl’s pants. Thus I’ve come across the realization that before whenever I justified myself and my actions, that I really was trying to comfort myself because women don’t desire me and that I really was and still am too immature to follow through with any type of initial steps towards creating a relationship. I’ve realized that I am not that easy to approach and not very easy to get along with. I used to believe that I was not very judgemental and rather open minded, but as I play games and interact more with people, I’ve realized that I am actually very stubborn and closed minded once something has hit a nerve. The habits that I thought I had out grown still are there. I lie, I exaggerate, and I still have splurges of needs to be violent in some sort of way. And I believe that my biggest flaw is that I realized that I am very idealistic. And that anything that does not fit my ideal I tend to reject or believe that it will fail. This part of me is rather ironic because I tend to look down on those who are idealistic, and yet sometimes I think I may be the most idealistic of them all, just more pessimistic and unwilling to voice my idealisms. Anyways I guess thats all I have at the momment to berate myself on. But a good thing that I’ve learned these few years and am still working on is that there are never any excuses. Either something is done or not. Never shift blame to others and never take blame for what is not yours. I am also learning not to be so hard on myself for mistakes. And so I conclude that I hope that in the last few years of my college career that I will be able to motivate myself to learning and instilling in myself these two small things. This seems rather inconclusive but whatever, its not supposed to be conclusive because I will try to write more from now on.